Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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