I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize