i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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