I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
