oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
