miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
