Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
