im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
