Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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