the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
