I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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