He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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