last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
