You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why is your signature on my underwear?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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