Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize