She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
