The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
