I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
