Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
