Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
