I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
