I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
