You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
