The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
