She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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