my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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