i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
