when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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