Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Slut skills are useful in every country.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
