I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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