I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
