I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
