i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
