why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
