Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
