some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
