The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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