She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
