I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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