I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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