Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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