I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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