I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
