ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
