I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
