Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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