I want you more than these girls want KFC
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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