Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
