I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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