I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
