i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I touched a dick in church today
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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