I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
