I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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