Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
