Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
