I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
