Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
