she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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